Failure

This week I feel like a failure in all that I do.  I am not good enough, I cannot do it right.  I make decisions that are incorrect, I handle situations poorly and life is a challenge that I am not up to.  The stress of failure makes it worse.  It seems almost as if it is a cycle.  But one cannot give in for failure is to stop trying.

At school this week I blew an evaluation of the effectiveness of a grant at school because I choose to do a required benchmark in lieu of an engaging lesson despite an email telling me to do otherwise.  I thought I was making a decision based on what the ad building wanted.  I also had a test that I had to give to get to the magical 3 quota per district policy.  I choose incorrectly and received a bad evaluation that let my school and principal down.  I felt awful for I had prepared 5 of my six classes lessons for this, but they came in my unprepared one and I didn't realize I could opt out despite an email that I missed.  Very frustrating, then I got a call that same day that felt like a reprimand for it, that I probably deserved but I was not equipped to handle yet.  New like that comes better in an email or face to face, I feel powerless on the phone to things like that and it reminded me of when I sold cars and was reprimanded (repeated) by my previous boss.  I then choose to exacerbate the situation by feeling slighted and needing to be heard, and was once again shown the errors I had made, may God open my hard head to the lessons he has for me.

Then I have fallen down on trying to keep up with the house.  It is a mess and we had been doing better about cleaning, the mess overwhelms and then because I have been lazy about some of my grading I am behind on that and tomorrow is the deadline so I need to get to work on grading but I want to clean and I need to vent about my failures to move forward.

I also am reminded lately of past failures in my marriage, we need to get out new budget in order and that reminds me of my poor money handling and deceptiveness about it.  I want to protect my wife from all evils, but it so hard when you realize that you are the one who has done those evils.  She is also having a hard time lately, lots of stress,a messy house, a husband who "got in trouble" at work.  I feel like I am failing in so many regards lately.

But I remind myself, I need to move forward in Christ.  I cannot get all better at once, I need to move incrementally step by step.  Tonight...Catch up on grading be ready for the six weeks that started today.  Tomorrow clean...Bunny cage...House...and make great prep for my lessons this week in school.  I must just remind myself I am human, I make mistakes, I fall, But I ask God to help and I move forward.  I need to be the Husband God calls me to be, the father He calls me to be, the Example to others He calls me to be, the Teacher he calls me to be.  Focus on him and all else will fall in line.

I have fallen but Christ is there to take my hand and help me up. "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have Mercy on me, a sinner."